Rolling over this morning, I decided to take a mental health day. A day just for me. To relax, take care of a few things, do nothing, and basically decompress from traveling.
Craving acai, I headed down to the local suco joint with my enthralling book in hand and Monk in my ears. I had the feeling I was going to see someone I know--I just knew I was. I almost did not go because of that. But now I wanted a burger too.
After my relaxing sandwich (which had HEINZ KETCHUP on it!!! A true rarity in this country) a good friend who I have not seen in awhile and who I have been trying to get together with showed up and pulled up a chair. I let him reside with me without grudge; we chatted ate laughed. As I was leaving, he asked a favor of me--to go up to the university and make some copies for him, because, of course, I have a bike and all....
He could sense the hesitation in my manner. My mind raced--this is my mental health day! I was not even supposed to see you! I need to be alone and have no tasks! Awkwardly, he said "it's all good man I'll just do it."
I suddenly remembered a month or two ago during Carnaval--I had a hot dog or something and he asked me for a bite and I said no because I was starving and did not have any more money. I was being greedy. He looked shocked. I almost immediately apologized and told him of course he could have a bite. But then he refused. I kept trying to make him take a bite. But after my attitude he did not want it.
And so, I insisted on doing this favor for him. Walking away, I felt anxious and frustrated. Then I thought--what is mental health? I asked for a mental health day. The opportunity to help a friend is a gift. This is not only mental health--this is spiritual health!
It is my obsession to give meaning for everything. And this meaning comes from God's will. Why was I asked to do this favor? Because God knew I needed to give something completely selflessly today (or, being that perfect selflessness is impossible--the Other is inevitably involved--it was an act that did not serve my theoretical isolated self...although of course, the completion of the act did...). Why did I miss mass on Easter? Because God knew I did not need a church to feel the love of the presence.
But why do I need to explain everything? It is only a branch of my anxiety. Can I let things be without knowing the truth? I think I am not alone. God is a way for me to explain things (that not being God's only purpose of course)--but ironically, I feel God's will is for me to accept the inexplicable!
Anyways. Here I am. Alone and feeling...ready. It is a good day today.
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