I was not pissy. I was not angry. But something was extremely off. I was frustrated. Annoyed. Irritable. And sad.
The interminable honking outside my apartment heated my blood. The monotony of wonder bread and fake cheese grated my nerves. The extra tightening of my belt due to my newly missized pants (I am losing centimeters) elevated the twitches on my face.
And I felt sad. I was getting bad vibes from Brazil. I was frustrated with this language. Frustrated with the way people do things here. The way things work. It is so different. And hard.
The "Just for Today" meditation today is as follows:
February 04, 2011 | ||||
Feeling good isn't the point | ||||
| Page 36 | ||||
| "For us, recovery is more than just pleasure." | ||||
| Basic Text, p. 43 | ||||
| In our active addiction, most of us knew exactly how we were going to feel from one day to the next. All we had to do was read the label on the bottle or know what was in the bag. We planned our feelings, and our goal for each day was to feel good. In recovery, we're liable to feel anything from one day to the next, even from one minute to the next. We may feel energetic and happy in the morning, then strangely let down and sad in the afternoon. Because we no longer plan our feelings for the day each morning, we could end up having feelings that are somewhat inconvenient, like feeling tired in the morning and wide-awake at bedtime. Of course, there's always the possibility we could feel good, but that isn't the point. Today, our main concern is not feeling good but learning to understand and deal with our feelings, no matter what they are. We do this by working the steps and sharing our feelings with others. | ||||
| Just for Today: I will accept my feelings, whatever they may be, just as they are. I will practice the program and learn to live with my feelings. |
Being in the state I was in, I did not get it at the time. I did not see the obvious connection between the meditation and my state.
I thanked God and asked for more.
My day began to shift.
I was drawn to pick up the guitar. And man, it sounded GREAT! I really had a session there. I left the house with the '77 Dead in my ears and a smile beginning to form on my face. Made a trip to the post office and had a great conversation with the clerk about how she thinks the stuff I sent 3 weeks ago probably is not lost and will probably still arrive.
Brazil was good. Portuguese was good. I was there, here. Living my life. Doing it.
While waiting at the bus stop, a crazy biker was barreling down the street. I still had my headphones on. The guy next to me said something, and I took my headphones off, pretended like I understood him (when in doubt, just say "sim"), and then sat there for a second looking at him...and then put my headphones back on. I was right in the middle of the Wharf Rat jam and it was really getting me off. But I wanted real live human connection. After some hesitation, I removed the headphones again and struck up a conversation with the fellow. We got on the same bus and talked the whole ride. When I got off, I resumed my nostalgic listening, and by this time, a smile had actually formed. Things were going to be ok.
And now I am here. And everything has fallen apart again. Again, everything feels hard. Like I don't like anyone. Like I want to isolate. All I had to do was check my e-mail. And again life feels sad and hopeless.
But it is not about feeling good. It is just about feeling. And that knowledge produces a good feeling. A serene feeling.
Today, I will only eat 8 cookies from the free cookie jar.
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