Ease of Passage

The importance of this transient document existing only in cybersapce has decreased in the recent moments of my life.  

And I feel mixed about it.

I love it. I adore it as if it were my own. What a great way to create, to connect to myself and others, to express, to be here and there and conversing with the world? I feel so good writing in this box! Yes it feels great right now, so great to be doing this! I am so excited! I am really smiling! And so, I miss it.

And at the same time, this signifies a shift in my experience. I am less connected to home. Less connected to my computer. And it is true--I am much more connected to where I am here now. This is my home here now. I only miss The Coasts of my northern neighbor (which of course is my intransient home) every so often (but them colorful mountains and Beantown miracles sure do call me hard when they do...). This home here is in my heart now.

I seem to not get honked at anymore. I smile every time I pass through these "ligado" streets.

(It is great that I cannot seem to find an English word to express my sentiments but a Portuguese one says exactly what I want to say)

This...energy, here....I felt it when I first arrived, and then it got lost in the trash and difficulties of finding hardware stores and the constant noise and fried bread and cheese and fake butter and sugar and the inescapable trappings of the a between ridiculously overpriced sunblock or the other inevitable alternative...or not going to the beach at all! which is out of the question of course....

...this energy, it has been reborn in me. Or I have rediscovered it.

And maybe I know why.

I have recently opened myself up to let Divine Love in. I am being shown things in ways I could never dream of and may not even realize at the time but afterwards make so much sense! I may ask for something, then get what seems like the opposite, then realize that I really got what I asked for and learned something in the process.

Of utmost importance and simplicity (this could be forementioned but the sentiments associated are crescending daily): I am coming to realize that not everything is good.

Yeah yeah yeah I already knew that, with my mind, of course, but my mind is not as powerful as other parts of my body unless I make it so. So I have lived my life expecting to be good at everything. Expecting to be always happy. Expecting optimal experiences every day. Saying fuck you to mediocrity and walking out the door.

In real life, bad things happen. And when they did, I became miserable. If I could not be extremely happy I had to be extremely sad, anxious, disappointed....basically worried unhappy lonsesome and sorry, thanks Merle.

And in this whole process of life where we change and recover and become better people (in theory) I had begun to get accustomed to things not always working out so great, and accepting this as one of the unfortunate and unchangeable realities of life. Something to tolerate.

Gratitude: Today I can say that I am truly happy about `regularity.´ Accepting of it. Truly at ease in general. Truly calm tranquil serene--which are feelings I do not know too well. I am busy and more at ease than I ever have been.

This place is really amazing and I want to show it to everyone.

I have felt like this for....3 days? In a little while I might be miserable. But I hope that the instant misery strikes it becomes gratitude and serenity, because misery is the same as ecstasy--only feelings that depend on each other and pass. I am different from them. I am separate. They pass through me like slides and I am the projector and I am empty and awake.

It feels really good to do this right now. I want more. I want to create!

So, thank you.