NCAA

I am really plugging back into American sports in a big way here people. 

I love that I can be in Brazil and watch the men's D 1 basketball championship in Houston. At halftime, it is turning out to be a hell of a game. Might have to name my boy Combs McDaniel.


Not to mention a rebirth in interest in the Sox and C's. 

So this is deeper than just digging on American sports. I don't know what it means. But it feels great. Getting back to my roots. Feeling healthy competition. Feeling pride and passion.

And it does not mean I am missing home. It will be wonderful to get home--I fantasize about the moment. That is my home--just can't be replaced. But I want to stay here longer too. Really take it in. I am loving Brazil more and more everyday. Yeah--it has taken a few months, but I am here. I don't get frustrated at how hard things are. Cause they aren't. I like the slow-paced tranquilo lifestyle. 

Now I just gotta slow my own self down.

Bike Art

It has been said that nothing is ever easy but it always gets done.  The following exposition is a prime example of this—not just its content, which will be obvious, but the actual making of the film as well. After certain time and sanity-consuming crises, such as needing to search for and use a free file format converter (hence eerily fitting watermarks) in the editing process, thinking that out of impatience I may have accidentally deleted the entire project (which, while restoring my operating system, caused much smoking, twitching, and praying—but imagine the triumphant bliss when I knew I was mistaken!), and of course, finding ideal points and actually splitting the film (digitally, of course) to makes its length compatible with certain broadcasting interfaces…

we have a finished product. 

As you enjoy this journey from frustrated toiling to satisfied ecstasy—resulting in genuine gratitude—ask yourself questions and bask in life’s inevitable and everlasting duplicity: it is the balance—even the opposition—of poles that makes us wholly empty.

Each time I go to lock that bike up I am filled with gratitude, satisfaction, calm, and even happiness. These float away like all feelings, and what am I left with? Only this awake beingness full of nothing.

Behold: it is here, but I HIGHLY recommend watching it on youtube because of the 'full screen' feature. Enjoy my newest film. Thank you.

I am tempted to turn this into a performance piece and delete the files from my computer so the film exists solely on the Internet, thus highlighting the transience of existence. But I am experiencing a figurative cryptorchidism.

It is important to know that everything you see came about completely spontaneously and organically out of the moment at hand. There were no plans.

(also available on my facebook page and youtube at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZUXMS4CZLs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czNYIWROdUs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gK0KAjwiKA

)

Give us a wink and make me think of you!

The small amount I write here is all you see, all you know. 

This is a minuscule representation of my life, but it is all you have!   

I bet it must be easy to apply what I write to form a subjective definition of my identity. 

Did you already know this? 

It just occurred to me, sitting in class missing home thinking about how I just told todo mundo how little I miss home. 

Perhaps I am being presumptuous and please reserve your defenses, even from yourselves. I would like to say something for the sake of my own clarity and tranquility (I have clearly not made the tranquil transition to a fully differentiated state yet, viu?):

Please understand that this is a very small part of who I am, it does not define me, and it may seem hypocritical because I am never one thing or another.  What I write is not who I am, although being me, I could easily play that game on the other side of things. I hope you are psychoanalyzing me. 

Perhaps all this is obvious. Apologies will not be given. 


Everything I say you can fully believe but nothing I say can you accept as true. 


No, I will not tell you what to do. 


It is impossible for me to be completely free of anxiety. Maybe if I accept this it will happen. Life sure seems weird sometimes. 


Completeness does not exist!! Nothing is absolute!! Except this statement!!! Life sure seems weird sometimes. 


Life is never "normal" but figuratively speaking it is normal right now for me. Just, daily. Like always--but figuratively speaking of course. Instead of being subject to epic moments, I can focus more on thinking understanding learning realizing. 


Back forth back & forth. Everything is a process. There is no such thing as perfection; thus, imperfection is perfect (Life? Weird, yeah, I know). Not everything as it is, but everything as it should be. We strive and we get closer but we never get there and this is good (who makes judgments like this is another unanswerable question). 


Good. A great word, good. Good. Good! Say it! Good. Good! 


I used to turn away from challenge. I used to be lazy. Now I have swung too far. Now I am looking for the middle. I need to be fed--and seeking food does not do it. The middle does. Seeking and letting too.


Another thing I would like to say: Every time I listen to The Beatles I am reminded of true genius. Gosh, they are great, huh!? 

I got my wish. I got to learn more. I got to create more. I had this opportunity. I let it into my house.  

March 2011 

1. Are you male or female? I wanna be your man

2. Describe yourself: Wild honey pie

3. How do some people feel about you? It's only love

4. How do you feel about yourself? I'm only sleeping

5. Describe your interests: Your mother should know (Some things are simply irresistible)

6. Where are you: Here, there, everywhere

7. Where would you rather be? Strawberry Fields, forever

8. Describe what you want to be: Dizzy, Miss Lizzy!

9. Describe how you live: Tomorrow never knows

10. Describe how you love: Within you without you

11. Describe what you hate: Because...Tell my why?

12. Describe how you feel right now: Here comes the sun

13. Describe a former boyfriend/girlfriend/love interest: Carry that weight

14. Describe your current boyfriend/girlfriend/love interest: Golden slumbers

15. Describe your closest friend: Lovely Rita

16. Describe your friends: Rock and roll music

17. Something you wished you had: All you need is love

18. Something that you can't live without: Misery (and glad of it)

19. If there's one thing you could do right now what would it be: Wait

20. Advice you'd give to yourself if you were someone else: Don't pass me by


Time for a breast massage from my own personal meter maid.

Ease of Passage

The importance of this transient document existing only in cybersapce has decreased in the recent moments of my life.  

And I feel mixed about it.

I love it. I adore it as if it were my own. What a great way to create, to connect to myself and others, to express, to be here and there and conversing with the world? I feel so good writing in this box! Yes it feels great right now, so great to be doing this! I am so excited! I am really smiling! And so, I miss it.

And at the same time, this signifies a shift in my experience. I am less connected to home. Less connected to my computer. And it is true--I am much more connected to where I am here now. This is my home here now. I only miss The Coasts of my northern neighbor (which of course is my intransient home) every so often (but them colorful mountains and Beantown miracles sure do call me hard when they do...). This home here is in my heart now.

I seem to not get honked at anymore. I smile every time I pass through these "ligado" streets.

(It is great that I cannot seem to find an English word to express my sentiments but a Portuguese one says exactly what I want to say)

This...energy, here....I felt it when I first arrived, and then it got lost in the trash and difficulties of finding hardware stores and the constant noise and fried bread and cheese and fake butter and sugar and the inescapable trappings of the a between ridiculously overpriced sunblock or the other inevitable alternative...or not going to the beach at all! which is out of the question of course....

...this energy, it has been reborn in me. Or I have rediscovered it.

And maybe I know why.

I have recently opened myself up to let Divine Love in. I am being shown things in ways I could never dream of and may not even realize at the time but afterwards make so much sense! I may ask for something, then get what seems like the opposite, then realize that I really got what I asked for and learned something in the process.

Of utmost importance and simplicity (this could be forementioned but the sentiments associated are crescending daily): I am coming to realize that not everything is good.

Yeah yeah yeah I already knew that, with my mind, of course, but my mind is not as powerful as other parts of my body unless I make it so. So I have lived my life expecting to be good at everything. Expecting to be always happy. Expecting optimal experiences every day. Saying fuck you to mediocrity and walking out the door.

In real life, bad things happen. And when they did, I became miserable. If I could not be extremely happy I had to be extremely sad, anxious, disappointed....basically worried unhappy lonsesome and sorry, thanks Merle.

And in this whole process of life where we change and recover and become better people (in theory) I had begun to get accustomed to things not always working out so great, and accepting this as one of the unfortunate and unchangeable realities of life. Something to tolerate.

Gratitude: Today I can say that I am truly happy about `regularity.´ Accepting of it. Truly at ease in general. Truly calm tranquil serene--which are feelings I do not know too well. I am busy and more at ease than I ever have been.

This place is really amazing and I want to show it to everyone.

I have felt like this for....3 days? In a little while I might be miserable. But I hope that the instant misery strikes it becomes gratitude and serenity, because misery is the same as ecstasy--only feelings that depend on each other and pass. I am different from them. I am separate. They pass through me like slides and I am the projector and I am empty and awake.

It feels really good to do this right now. I want more. I want to create!

So, thank you.

Today there is one

About a week ago I began writing a piece of short fiction based on the words of Rita in Paradise.

Reading over all that I have written, I got a bit discouraged. It was not any good.

So, subconsciously, I believe I have avoided anything that had to with Rita in Paradise. 

My life is actually busy now. It just so happens that I feel like I am doing something worthwhile with it, my life. Between difficult classes (including "Bodily Expression", for the difficulty there comes from timidity which is rooted in not having a very firm hold on the language, or at least getting sucked into that sort of thinking...I never thought I would use timid to describe myself), volunteering at 3 different NGOs teaching English, teaching music, and playing with kiddies, and various happenings and events particular to the city, I feel full. I always do this to myself right before I collapse. Balance would be nice (I say that as if the gods aren't giving me what I ask for--I am the only one who creates my own problems people! It is just hard to remember! Hard to not be a victim). There actually is not time to go to the beach. There is actually not time to just relax with my friends. But somehow, still, I get bored...

And so, I make art. I write. I make films. I make music. I have always been "creative." I have always been "artsy." But when have I ever actually been a creative artist? It feels really...NOURISHING! The muse tapped me and instead of pushing it away with my fear of failure or sheer lack of motivation I have let it invade my comfort zone for the first time. I hug it warmly. 

Some days I/ feel numb. Often times, I will be feeling wonderful and then something will happen and I/ become anxious. For some silly reason I continue to expect that every second of every day will be packed with only pure happiness at level eleven (a more beautiful combination than cellar door I believe, spontaneity partly making it thus). There is still a gap between what I know to be true and what I feel to be true in all areas of my life. The classic schism of heart and mind. 

I am trying to let things happen. Instead of thinking or forcing I am looking for signs and turning my will over. There is a fine line between passivity or refusing responsibility and letting the streams flow. I am actively attempting patience.

Today I ask for serenity. I ask for acceptance and understanding of mediocrity. Hell, I even ask for mediocrity. Gimme that good ol' boring second third fourth rate feeling. Let me hold it and spend some time with it, get to know it better, and even get to like it for who it is, because I have a feeling I spend much time with it in days and years to come. 

I am grateful for my impenetrable will (and on the flip side, of course, there is stubbornness) until it damages me. 

I am grateful for Brazil. I have grown to love these streets.

I am grateful for solitude and for social inundation. Ideas spring from social inundation, they manifest themselves in solitude, and again are reborn into the people. 

Sugar. Who said sugar is sweet? Who said paradise is Paradise? ME because undefined as we all may be, perfection is ever acheived, and only through our imperfections. It is our holes that make us whole. 

I think everything is going to be ok! The streets await.

I was wrong

Well, I didn't end up leaving the house. 

But I did take care of business, and I feel just dandy. 


Tomorrow.

Alignment

Today is the last day of summer, and no other day could feel more like today--not just because of the rain clouds.  

I feel droopy.  I finally decided to stop my clowning around with the damn bicycle and get it fixed. I even got the lock lubed. It only cost 12 bucks to tune-up the whole thing. So that was pretty cool...

I have been playing a lot of the games that come with the computer lately. You know? Solitaire, Hearts, Minesweeper, Chess...and I suddenly suck at all of them. I used to be so good. And now I always lose. And it is really discouraging for my life--all the games keep stats, and I literally have only losses. Not one win. And it actually makes me feel like a loser in real life. 

In trying to reduce my time on the computer, I have let what feels like hundreds of e-mails pile up in my inbox that I want to respond to but now they sit there and stress me out. The no-brainer beach or e-mail? has become a brainer. 


The last 3 or 4 nights I have spent staying up late eating cookies. Doing nothing else. Literally standing over the cookie jar piling cookie after cookie into my mouth. Probably 50 per night. No joke. Why? What is going on?

What a boring Charlie Brown grinding slew of complaints. 

And suddenly a smile passes over my face! I feel good and I feel happy. I think I will go enjoy myself outside.